Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
