The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
