The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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