I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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