so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
