the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
