I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
