i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
