No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
