it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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