You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
