I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
