and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
