it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
