How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
