I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
