There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
