totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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