I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
