I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
