she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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