We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
