My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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