I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
