Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
