You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
