I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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