I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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