3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
