Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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