just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
