Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
