I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
