Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
