Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
