I'm going to rape someone's good day.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
