She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
