a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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