Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
