im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
