Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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