i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
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