So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
