You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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