I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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