Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
