So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
