omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
