eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
