And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
